Crew: Urgent, Johnson, we can't get a DOS prompt!
JSC:  Press "C:".
Crew: Heck, we're not familiar with all this.
JSC:  What screen are you looking at?
Crew: It says "My Computer", and, er, various other icons.
JSC:  Click on "Start", and then "Shutdown".
Crew: You click the "Start" button to shut down?
JSC:  Yeah. Isn't it obvious?
Crew: Somebody get me an aspirin.
JSC:  Just hit the damn "Start" button.
Crew: We can't do that. It didn't load a mouse.
JSC:  Didn't load any mouse at all?
Crew: Well, yeah, a PS/2 or something. But we don't have
	one of those.
JSC:  Okay. Press Alt + Esc.
Crew: And what does that do?
JSC:  It should help.
Crew: Negative.
JSC:  Stand by, will attempt to replicate the problem down
	here.
Crew: Roger.
<Long Pause>
JSC:  Okay then. Double-click on the MS-DOS icon.
Crew: I don't have a mouse.
JSC:  Go to the backup plan.
Crew: Which is what?
JSC:  Dock with the Russians. They have a Unix workstation
	you can borrow.

But.....Thank God I still have my Florida driver's license!

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 per game. That equaled $10,000
a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million
in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he
slept 7 hours a night, he made $52,000 every night while visions
of sugarplums danced in his head. If he went to see a movie, it
costed him $7.00, but he made $18,550 while he was there. If he
decided to have a 5 minute egg, he'd have made $618 while
boiling it. He made $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'd make
$3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to
save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole
12 hours. If someone were to have handed him his salary and
endorsement money, they would have had to do it at the rate of
$2.00 every second. He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice
round of golf, but would be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he put the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a
tax deferred account (401k), he would hit the federal cap of
$9,500 at 8:30 A.M. on January 1st. If you were given a penny
for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at
$65,000 a year. He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100
meter dash in the Olympics. He'd make about $15,600 during the
Boston Marathon. While the common person was spending about $20
for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about
$5,600. In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all
U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing
isn't it? Keep reading!


BUT.....
If Jordan hadn't retired, and saved 100% of his income for the
next 250 years, he'd still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over.

Nerd wins.

Tech Support Request:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this
phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition,
Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialization where it monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5
no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not
seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going
back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this
program. Can you help me?

Tech Support:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly
due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely
a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING:
DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the
system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be
disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive.
Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable
system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because
Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings -
Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0
in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife
1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this
can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have
tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1Nite
Stand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that
might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize
button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will
run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0
is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
	Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
	Frequently use Communicator 5.0

	[from the Washington Post Style Invitational]

Then:	Killer weed
Now:	Weed killer

Then:	Paar
Now:	AARP

Then:	The Grateful Dead
Now:	Dr. Kevorkian

Then:	Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now:	Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then:	Hoping for a BMW
Now:	Hoping for a BM

Then:	Getting your head stoned
Now:	Getting your headstone

Then:	Keg
Now:	EKG

Then:	Passing the driving test
Now:	Passing the vision test

Then:	Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks.
Now:	Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then:	Swallowing acid
Now:	Swallowing antacid

Then:	Obsessing over your PSAT scores
Now:	Obsessing over your PSA scores

Then:	You're growing pot
Now:	Your growing pot

Then:	Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now:	Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then:	The perfect high
Now:	The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then:	Long hair
Now:	Longing for hair

Then:	Fighting to get rid of the lying president
Now:	Fighting to keep the lying president

Then:	President Johnson
Now:	The president's johnson

Then:	Acid rock
Now:	Acid reflux

Then:	Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now:	Getting a new hip joint

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice.... "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.